Last year began my adventures into ballroom dancing and a serious turning point in self discovery for me. It didn’t come because of adversity, it didn’t come because I had no choice. It all began with receiving an invitation to an ancestry ball. This was no ordinary ball however, it required you to trace your ancestry, connect with it, learn the history and then go a step further, you had to learn to ballroom dance. “Ha!!” Was my first reaction. When I asked what type of ballroom dancing, I didn’t get the answer I was hoping for. This would require having to completely step out of my comfort zone and learn waltz, foxtrot, tango and cha cha. Can we say I was not happy?!
No matter how hard we (my sister and I) tried, we couldn’t get started on the lessons. So, in September 2015, we went to visit family in Florida and there began the dance lessons. I thought they were only dance lessons…turned out, these would be life lessons.
Here is what I have learned so far:
- Upon taking my first week of lessons, Lesson 1: my instructor informed me that I had to trust him. Ummm…pause!! “I don’t even know you!! How can I trust someone that I don’t know!!” As we were dancing, I had a hard time surrendering to his lead. I had a hard time believing that if I was about to fall, he would catch me. He led me in a complicated move and I felt like my feet were going to fly out from under me, so I stopped dancing. Immediately, he recognized what happened and said to me, “I will not let you fall. I know it seems like you will but I have you and I will not allow you to get hurt!” My reaction to him was, “Well, I don’t know that. I can only trust myself at this point to protect me.” He immediately said once again, “You are simply going to have to trust me. It is the duty of the man, to lead, guide and protect the lady on the floor. His job is to make her look good and she in turns makes him look good. So if you trust me and allow me to lead, I will take care of you!” Who does that sound like to you? Isn’t that what God asks us to do with Him? He says, “Let me lead. All I require from you is to trust me and know that I will take care of you.” It is so important as a man, that you know who God is and who you are in God so that you can take your rightful place as head of household. It is not about dominating your wife and family. But it is about leading and guiding them the way God wants you to.
- Lesson 2: The man controls the pattern and the timing and the woman’s part is to follow. Say what??!!! If the man does not know his steps, he cannot lead. If he does not know the timing, the rhythm will be off and so will her steps. The man uses his frame to give the woman direction so she knows what steps she needs to take next. It is absolutely crucial for a man to be a strong lead on the dance floor. Men, a woman can detect if you do not know what you are doing on the dance floor, because if you don’t lead her and she knows the pattern already, she will lead herself. Is this not what happens in a relationship? Women were created by God to be help mates. We are equipped to do almost anything. But we are also equipped to follow the leading of our husbands. If you as a man, cannot make decisions, or you do not step up to the plate and lead, she will take over and lead. This has happened to me a few times on the dance floor. I have been to three social dancing events now and have danced with several men and each one leads differently. I had no trouble following the ones that were strong leads on the floor. Even if I didn’t know the steps because I hadn’t danced it before, I found myself moving in a way that I didn’t know was possible because of how he led. A woman has no problem following a man she feels has her. It is not about controlling her, but rather leading her in a fashion that shows she is protected, she is first and you know what you are doing.
- Lesson 3: It is crucial as a woman to learn how to follow. Arrrrggghhh…yes, I know…scary concept!! The dance instructor that I have now always says that ballroom dancing is chauvinistic because the man controls pretty much everything. While most women will balk at that concept, it is so true. Every time I have a lesson with him, because we are working on technique, he will do the same portion of the pattern over and over again. This is great to a certain extent. But because I know the pattern, sometimes I have a hard time waiting on him to make the next move and so I move ahead. LOL!! He then stops me and says that I am self leading. Hmm…sounds familiar??!! Once again, as women, if we feel like our husbands are not doing something the way we want them to do it or as quickly as we want them to do it, then we go ahead and do it ourselves. This is bad on both sides. Women nowadays are built differently to how they were back in the day. Actually, that is not technically true. We are the same and most of us want the same thing. We want the family, house, finances and most importantly, we want love. We want that unconditional, unfailing love that lets us know that we are safe. In dance class, you can literally identify the women that have had to go it alone for a long time. They tend to have issues surrendering control of the lead to the man. So they spend a lot of time learning how to follow in dance lessons. Generally, the dance instructor has a harder time teaching them the steps, until they earn their trust enough to allow the instructors to lead them on the dance floor.
- Lesson 4: It is not about you: once again, I have been to three social events now and every time, while sitting down before the next man comes to ask me to dance, I survey the floor. While looking around, I see some that I don’t mind dancing with and others that I pray don’t come and ask me to dance. LOL!! It is true. Me not wanting to dance with them has nothing to do with their abilities. (Shoot – I’m a beginner; I’m just learning myself!) It is not about if they can dance or not. It is about how they lead. Here is what I mean: – there are some guys that ask you to dance and when you get on the dance floor with them, you spend the entire time trying to keep up with them. They are on the floor for themselves because it is about showboating. They want to show how good they are so they don’t really care if you can keep up with them or not. – Then there are the ones that get you on the floor, are aware you don’t know the moves, so they don’t even try but just basically walk you around the floor. These above, I avoid at all cost. Now, there are those that you let them know that you don’t know the moves, and their response is, “No problem. I will show you. All you have to do is follow, and it is my job to lead. If I am doing my job and leading you correctly, you will be fine.” Lastly, there are those that you will let know that you don’t know the moves and they will lead you, but make sure that at the end of the day you are still having fun, and you end up learning things on the floor that you didn’t know before because they take their time with you. They don’t make you feel intimidated or less of a person because you do not know.
I have only written down 4 lessons that I have learned so far because I know there is a lot more to learn. I would advise anyone, especially couples, to take ballroom dancing lessons because they are life lessons. You find out if you have control issues; if as a man, you can lead your family as God would have you do; if as a woman, you constantly scrutinize and point out your partner’s mistakes; if you care more about yourself than anyone else; who you put first; if you try to manipulate or control situations to have things go your way; if you are working as one as God ordained it or are you doing your own thing in the relationship. Do yourself a favor, take a few dance lessons, submit to the journey and see what you discover about yourself, your partner and your relationship. I think if people discovered the value in ballroom dance lessons, there would be a lot more ballroom dance studios and a lot less divorce lawyers.
